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The $hit List Potty Joke
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL: This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS $hit: So noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK: This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any $hit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER: A $hit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this $hit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER: A dump which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
LINCOLN LOG $HIT: The kind of $hit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY $HIT: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S $HIT: The kind of $hit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This $hit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL: A $hit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to $hit (i.e., during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near $hitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny $hit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC $hit: This occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's $hit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE $hit: This may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN $hit: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T $hit.
PREMEDITATED $hit: Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
$HITZOPHERENIA: Fear of $hitting -- can be fatal!
SPINAL TAP $HIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL: Also known as a "Still Going" $hit.
THE POWER DUMP: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER: This kind of $hit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log $hit).
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" $HIT: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap $hits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE $HIT: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" $HIT: When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" $HIT: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" $HIT: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" $HIT: Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE PERFECT $HIT: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE BEER $HIT: Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
THE CHILI $HIT: Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili $hit stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
THE CABLE $HIT: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
THE LATRINE $HIT: In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
THE MONA LISA $HIT: This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
THE EMPTY ROLL $HIT: You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome.Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
THE SPLASH BACK $HIT: You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
THE ABORTED $HIT: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
THE NATURE $HIT: Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
THE CHILD BIRTH $HIT: This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster load". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
THE TIJUANA TROT $HIT: The phrase "$hit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
THE MACHINE GUN $HIT: You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
THE SOUND EFFECT $HIT: You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
THE SECURITY $HIT: You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
THE CLING-ON $HIT: For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
THE HOUDINI $HIT: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
THE FLU $HIT: You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
THE PORTA-POTTIE $HIT: Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a $hit in an upright coffin". It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper cup.
THE PROCTOLOGIST $HIT: In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
THE WHOLE ROLL $HIT: No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
THE GRAFFITI $HIT: You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.
THE ENCORE $HIT: Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
THE BORN AGAIN $HIT: This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain quickly.
GHOST $HIT: The kind where you feel the $hit come out, but there is no $hit in the toilet.
CLEAN $HIT: The kind where you $hit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET $HIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE $HIT: This happens when you're done $hiting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to $hit some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD $HIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
CORN $HIT: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-$HIT $HIT: The kind where you want to $hit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
WET CHEEKS $HIT (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING $HIT: This $hit refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done $hiting it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE $HIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a $hit!
Do you have any funny jokes that are not seen here? Feel free to submit it to us, and we'll post them up.
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