 The
$hit List Potty Joke
The $hit List
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that
you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL: This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS $hit: So noteworthy it should be recorded
for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK: This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the
vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any $hit created in the presence of another
person.
THE GROANER: A $hit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this $hit has been known
to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER: A dump which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution
is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit
to putting it there.
LINCOLN LOG $HIT: The kind of $hit that is so huge you're afraid to flush
without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY $HIT: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S $HIT: The kind of $hit you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom
of the toilet.
THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This $hit is playing games
with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL: A $hit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that
is either inappropriate to $hit (i.e., during lovemaking or a root canal)
or you are nowhere near $hitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny $hit which has managed to coil itself
into a frightening position -- usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC $hit: This occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance
to the Drinker's $hit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE $hit: This may be of any variety but is always deposited
either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your
car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN $hit: An adorable collection of small turds in
a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T $hit.
PREMEDITATED $hit: Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
$HITZOPHERENIA: Fear of $hitting -- can be fatal!
SPINAL TAP $HIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL: Also known as a "Still Going" $hit.
THE POWER DUMP: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants
down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER: This kind of $hit is so big it plugs up the toilet
and it overflows all over the floor (You should have followed the advice
from the Lincoln Log $hit).
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" $HIT: Similar
to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap $hits. The shape and size of the
turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum
for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE $HIT: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps
on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk
it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" $HIT: When the bag of
Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the
way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" $HIT: When you drop lots
of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing
sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" $HIT: Also sometimes referred
to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous
bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the
show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" $HIT:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE PERFECT $HIT: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect
dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting
the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece
that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But
that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that
it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the
world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE BEER $HIT: Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance,
the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been
2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy
dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
THE CHILI $HIT: Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The
chili $hit stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
THE CABLE $HIT: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone
CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent.
You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?"
you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
THE LATRINE $HIT: In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the
ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to
dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
THE MONA LISA $HIT: This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly
formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would
make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even
want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
THE EMPTY ROLL $HIT: You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only
to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly
in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where
are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome.Then
you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself
to the nearest full roll.
THE SPLASH BACK $HIT: You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth
charge into the bowl creating a column of cold water that washes your
bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
THE ABORTED $HIT: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you
do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later.
It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
THE NATURE $HIT: Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This
can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature,
and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive
forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude
is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
THE CHILD BIRTH $HIT: This is a dump that is simply too big to go through
the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking
over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better.
You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster load".
You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the
bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
THE TIJUANA TROT $HIT: The phrase "$hit Happens" really applies
here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact
with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours
you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because
you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in
a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
THE MACHINE GUN $HIT: You're just sitting there in a state of sublime
peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits
the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn
commies.
THE SOUND EFFECT $HIT: You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends
or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques
to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously
very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following
sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
THE SECURITY $HIT: You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom
without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find
you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle
from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against
the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
THE CLING-ON $HIT: For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's
one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient.
Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both
hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece
just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you
and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door
has scissors.
THE HOUDINI $HIT: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing
has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream
the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you
should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because
if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who
comes in.
THE FLU $HIT: You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to
put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave
of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze
your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't
you wish Mom were close by?
THE PORTA-POTTIE $HIT: Construction workers and outdoor concert goers
will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would
be, "Its like taking a $hit in an upright coffin". It's claustrophobic
and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper cup.
THE PROCTOLOGIST $HIT: In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the
sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because
there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right,
you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your
barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle
but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices
here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait
until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go
after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
THE WHOLE ROLL $HIT: No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be
enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The
whole episode is consumer waste.
THE GRAFFITI $HIT: You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding
bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative
squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there...love
it or leave it. It's your choice.
THE ENCORE $HIT: Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together,
wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another
dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record
is seven encores.
THE BORN AGAIN $HIT: This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord,
if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through
it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born
again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain quickly.
GHOST $HIT: The kind where you feel the $hit come out, but there is no
$hit in the toilet.
CLEAN $HIT: The kind where you $hit it out, see it in the toilet, but
there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET $HIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE $HIT: This happens when you're done $hiting and you've pulled
your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to $hit some
more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD $HIT: The kind where you strain so much to
get it out, you practically have a stroke.
CORN $HIT: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-$HIT $HIT: The kind where you want to $hit but all
you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
WET CHEEKS $HIT (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your
butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING $HIT: This $hit refuses to drop in the toilet even though
you are done $hiting it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it
loose.
THE SURPRISE $HIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure
you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a $hit!
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